Life lessons 4 Honestly VS Lies

During my puberty I lived a life which was based on lies. I lied to cover up an other lie. In the end I didn't even know what was the truth in some parts.. man I wish I could turn this back. But I can't ;) so I decided to be completely open about what I did and didn't do. It was tough to come back on the things I said years before. But it was one of the most liberating things I have ever done. In the beginning I just said a few things, slowly but steady more and more things came to the surface.
Now a few years later I try to be as honest with myself and others as possible. Enough reason to write about this subject.

Riding on a motorbike through the mountains of northern Vietnam, gave me a good insight on how quickly my mind is working in creating a lie. I made a mistake, a big mistake. I totally miscalculated the speed of my bike and the speed of a truck. I took over 2 trucks at the same time, while there was a slight turn towards the right coming. Halfway the second truck I knew I wasn't going to make it in time. Pulling the break wouldn't work, and my acceleration was far less then I expected. Happily there was no traffic from the other direction and I made it safely towards the front.
Instead of learning from the mistake, the first thing that happened was, I started thinking how to lie to Alan to make the thing I did look ok. It felt like I observed my thoughts while they where created. Why? Why would I like to lie about something like this. What is the reason for myself to lie in any case.
Another clear example happened 2 weeks later. I ate at my hostel and forgot to pay, I could have gone back to pay when I noticed. Instead someone said they'll probably put it on the bill. When I was going to pay for my room it was in my mind, but I didn't say anything. Eventually I spoke with Merrick about it, (cause I felt kind of bad.. but didn't make the move myself to pay, as if I needed someone else to tell me what is the right thing to do) who said; if you know it for sure you should pay. And that was exactly what I wanted to hear. I don't want to steal from anybody, I don't want to lie to anybody.. but why, why do I still do it.
In both cases I thought about it many times after, which gave me a sad feeling about not living towards my own values. (I realise I'm being to strict on myself in this one) But it gave me also a good feeling because I'm very concious about it, which creates the possibility to change it. It made me think, how can I get concious about all the other times I lie every day.
The purposes of this blog are;
-dare to be open and vulnerable, by this create honesty
-to ask you to look at yourself and the lies you live in your life.

So why would I lie to others? Someone might think I'm stupid, not good enough, weak, scared etc. I actually don't have a answer to why that would matter so much... then that's just what it is, and if the other person wouldn't like me anymore what then... then we'll split up. And if that happens, what then... then I split up from an unhealthy relationship where I was not able to be myself.  If I write it down like this it's so obvious, why doesn't it feel that way in these moments.
How quickly is my mind in trying to escape from the pain that might occur when someone doesn't like me. But what about the pain I carry on a daily basis knowing that people like the lies and not the real me.
And next to that, how is it possible that I see myself as an honest person knowing that I'm lying towards others. Is it ok for me because I assume other people are also lying? Is it ok because other people might feel good because of it? (The barber did a good job:p) Or is it good as long as it is not a big lie? (Of course I am the one who desides what is big and small)

So what about lying to myself!!!!!!!!!! Man this is a tough blog, didn't expect to confront myself so hard while writing this. Haha.. well here I go.

The moment I lie to someone else I actually lie to myself. I think I lie to others mostly because I don't want to admit something to myself. For example taking over on the motorbike was really stupid, by admitting this to Alan I also needed to do so to myself and that took a while. When someone gives me negative feedback, my first reaction is to go into defense. In Hanoi we had laughing balloons and because of that I was all shaking in an uncontrolled way. Bart told me not to do it again and I reacted immediately in a defensive way, after a few minutes I went back to him to tell him he was right. So the defense is some kind of escape mechanism to push the possible truth away. It could give me a possibility to reflect on myself through the care of a friend.. but instead the fear of not being good enough or being weak got control over me. Besides that it's just the others point of view, so if I would look at it, I could choose if the feedback is true for me or not.

I quit smoking 3 years ago, but every time after a while I think... (after a lot of beer and on holiday ( as if this makes it right)) I can take one. After a couple of weeks of smoking more and more I think, I don't want this anymore and mostly then after a week I quit again. So when I arrived in Bali I started smoking and quit a few days before Vipassana, then in Vietnam I started smoking and after 2 weeks, quit again. Now I say I had enough, but there will be a moment when I'm drunk that I think the opposite. And if I do react on that, there is something in my mind which feels like all or nothing. Maybe it has to do with giving up, when something doesn't go as planned, it feels easier to give up completely and supress it.  Which is giving up on myself, giving up on life. (Recognisable?) So I start again, until I think this is not for me. In one way it looks so innocent on the other side it's unhealthy, cost money (almost none over here) and it actually does not add anything to the travelling.

So all these lies have a few things in common.
- I don't except reality as it is.
- I don't take responsibility for my actions
- I manipulate myself/others

Happily it's not only lies and I got this beautiful complement from a friend who gave me feedback. She had some negative feedback/criticism for me, but was really scared/nervous to tell me about it.

Quote: I didn't know how you would react and if it was even worth making a big deal out of it. In the end I worked up the courage and told you how I felt. I told you that even though  at first your initial facial reaction was defensive and looked a little offended by what I said, I was so suprised by your actual reaction. Even though you felt like what I was saying came from no where, you told me "thank you for daring to tell me how you truly feel".  I was so suprised and impressed with your ability not only to listen to the criticism and truley take it in, but also your ability to empower me by recognizing the difficulty I had to overcome to tell you my true feelings. I didn't know you where writing this post and that you were trying to work on the way you deal with confrontation. It's crazy how the compliment I gave you really shows your progress and work coming into action. By recognizing and bringing to light the courage and power it took for me to confront you, you were doing two things. Not only were you able to truly listen and see yourself through my eyes (not only listen but really hear and feel), you also reenforced me to feel comfortable with coming to you the next time whenever something like this happens again. It makes me feel like you are more human and more approachable, just being able to accept and to see where I am coming from. You thought this was so cool and that there really is no such thing as coincidences ;)


Thanks for reading :D hope you'll get some inspiration out of it. If you have comments/questions please leave a message or pm.

Namast