Retreat with the Colibry People from Colombia

So I went on this Retreat in the Netherlands with the Colibry People from Colombia, four shamans, each with their own specific qualities.
I would like to invite you into my story, just read it with an open mind and Enjoy!

There I go! It's 8 o'clock in the morning when I enter the retreat and surprisingly enough I notice that everybody is still asleep. Not sure what to think, I walk around and find someone who wakes up the rest. An hour later then expected we start drinking about 3 litres of water before starting the Kambo ceremony. The whole vibe is beautiful and intense as everything is new for me. The shaman uses traditional methods from their tribe to guide the ceremony. The chants and methods are so interesting that I almost forget that I'm getting the poison of the Kambo frog on my body. 6 small dots are burned into my upper arm and the poison is placed. The chants continue and within minutes I start to feel nauseous, I grab the bucket next to me and start vomiting. I drink again and need to rush to the toilet, from both sides it leaves my body at the same time. I start laughing as I'm thinking;"What was my reason to do this again!"
The poison is cleaning my system by releasing energy and it's done in a physical way by vomiting and diarrhoea. It doesn't feel the same as puking when I'm sick.
During the rest of the day I'm just chilling and sleeping. In the evening we're doing Mambeadero, a combination between Tobacco and Mambo done in a Tipi. The Tobacco connects us with a higher spirit and the Mambo gives us the capability to put these insights into words. The shamans are mainly talking about their culture, their Elders and way of living. The conversation flows effortlessly and even though I haven't got the feeling that I feel different then normal, my focus is way better and I'm saying what I want to say without doubting and this happens with exactly the right words. They ask us our intentions for the retreat. My intention is; there are many ways to work on oneself, I've been travelling Asia, started working with the universal energy, meditation and yoga. I found that every way I come across has the same goal, just different methods to get there. I feel for so many years that I'm a healer, yet I never dared to really go for it. So my intention is to understand more about me as a healer and how to use it. Next to that I want to realise when I'm living out of my ego. When I said it I realised that this is exactly what I want, but I didn't think about it in this way up front.

The second day the same medicine are on the menu, I feel that I want to go deeper, haven't got patients, have my opinion about what I should feel right now and quickly realise that this definitely must be my ego. I may let go, surrender to the process that the shamans created in combination with the spirits of the medicines, their wisdom, first I'll experience the whole retreat and after I'll shape my opinion.

Day three, I'm looking forward to today, one of the shamans told me that the first time he used Yopo, he connected directly with a high spirit. DMT is the working element in Yopo which is the same as in Ayahuasca. The shaman said he never used Aya again after that Yopo experience. My expectations are high and when my journey starts with colours and patterns I can't be not disappointed, thinking I could just have done a few mushroom I feel the resistance and again I know I'm observing my ego, so I let go and immediately start to feel restless; shaking, heat in my whole body, I need to go outside of the Tipi. The heat is unbearable, but the moment I stand up, it's gone.. The spirit of the medicine simply wanted me to go outside. I'm really grateful to learn to speak with the spirit of the plant and I promise to surrender as quickly as possible. Everything that the medicine will show I will accept for now.
Outside the Tipi I connect so deeply with nature, I breathe nature, it's in every cell of my body, way deeper then the fact that I know that I am part of nature.
The second round of Yopo starts and I'm going back into the Tipi to take the grinded Yopo beans via my nose. It works directly and I'm going outside again, I just know I need to have my own space to go through my process. After a nice and deep connection, I start thinking about the physical death, for a sec I wonder if I want to go in that direction, but I trust the medicine and accept whatever comes up. Quickly I start to go into my own death process, it's hard to explain what happens exactly but it's like every time a resistance comes up which has to do with dying, I go through the resistance mostly via a physical action and then I feel at peace and the next resistance can come up again. Every time a layer deeper. I let go through shaking, vomiting, screaming, crying, laughing, heat and many other more subtile sensations. Letting go of my parents, sister and Lotte. Then accepting to leave my body, this happens to be such a hard process in which my whole body is shaking like crazy. When I finally completely accept it, my chest is lifted of the ground and something, which I interpret as my soul, let's go and at that moment my body drops back in the floor feeling completely at peace. My souls continues it's journey and I expect to go with my souls to a realm of spirits, unfortunately I stay behind with my empty body which is laying on the dirt floor covered with dead leaves.
Almost immediately the next process starts, my body starts to decompose. I need to give my body back to nature, which sounds very beautiful to me, I used nature to nurture me my whole life and now I may give it back with all the nutrients in it. But it's also a deep process with a lot of resistance! I physically burried myself underneath death leaves. When I feel bugs making their way across my face and in and out of my mouth, I have such a hard time to accept that animals will take over my body. A big fight to accept this follows! Mentally I'm still really clear about everything what happens, I know all the right answers how to get past my resistance.. Yet these fears are rooted so deeply in my being/body that just knowing the right answer doesn't change the fear. I need to go through them, one by one. Finally, stillness, pure bliss, a feeling I never felt before, completely at peace with everything that is! I accepted death, giving back my body and now I accepted that I am no one, haven't been anyone and will leave no traces in this world!
Then out of being nothing I become a seed and realise I haven't been in my death process, I am in my rebirth process!!! I needed to let go of everything to be able to flourish into a new life. I get emotional by the thought, this is so amazing! As I start to grow I stretch my arm into the sky, as a baby plant which sees the world for the first time. Slowly I feel how my leg stretches as well and stays in a strange position into the air. I laugh because this must look so ridiculous and I don't care, this is my process. Later on I realise that growing isn't easy either, I'm still full of fears. I'm scared of how powerful I am, scared of how successful I can be if I start living out of my full potential. I get completely stuck, try to scream, puke, cry. I notice that I didnt breath for minutes and expect that I'll knock myself out in a bit, this doesn't happen, but after a while the shaman puts me on my side and says to stay calm for a minute or so. I felt him the whole time, he was watching me and I'm so grateful for his expertise and care.
Later I move to another place where I get in a process where I learn about me as a healer! I feel how different channels in my body are opening, I feel the energy flowing and I even see the energy powerfully flowing out of my hands! Now I know what I knew before, but didn't completely live according to it because of my fears. I get through that I may start to ask a donation for the energetic healings I'm giving, until now I've always done it for free. Because I want to practise. Now it's time to stand! To flourish, to go beyond my wildest dreams. I'm ready, bring it on.

During the evening Mambeadero session everybody shares their experiences and/or lessons. I feel so humble with all these beautiful souls around me, I feel so connected no words to describe anything close to it.

Then there was a drum making! It's a beautiful process and I start to understand the Colibry people from Colombia a bit better again.
And then the last medicine, Wachuma, San Pedro. I haven't got a clue what the medicine is doing, I have a stomach ache. I feel a bit more energetic but I never felt anything like this before. The shaman said that the insides come when the sun rises, so let's see. We started late in the evening so that'll take a while.
After the third round I lay down on my back, close my eyes and immediately I feel terrified. I don't know anything anymore, I'm doubting everything. I don't know who I am, where I am, why I am. My eyes open by itself and I'm back in the Tipi. I push myself to do it again. And again the same, I feel completely schizophrenic, powerless and not understanding. I sit up and decide to just dance on the music, maybe I had enough, but I still don't understand the medicine. When the next round comes I choose to go for it. I trust myself, the shaman and the medicine. I feel that I would be choosing from fear, from my ego if I would stop now. And another round! Every time I close my eyes I feel lost. I see all things that have to do with advertisements. Internet, televion, social media, all sort of thing pass by shampoo, clothing, woman and man and so much more. All based on the physical world. In the end it feels like the whole Tipi is filled with all advertisements that try to manipulate and hypnotize me. Still I don't know what it's about. It's so much that I can't see beyond it, there is no possibility to see the solution as my whole being is occupied with all the advertisements.
And then.. The sun rises, the energy shifts immediately. Out of nowhere everything falls into place. Everything I saw and felt, all these advertisements say the same: I am not good enough without their product. I am not worthy the way I am. I get through that I can always, in every situation, choose what my truth is. It's all my choise, it comes out of freedom. This may sound so obvious and it's not that I never thought about it like this, it's just that I never felt it in my core this powerful. Then the Wachuma spirit continues spreading insights. I understand that I'm able and allowed to love everybody unconditionally. It doesn't matter what someone did, I can love the pure soul, the innerchild always. I'm practising this for a couple of years already and I made big progress, but now, in this moment I feel such a big love for myself, my family friends and people who hurt me or who hurt a whole group of people during wars or other unbelievable things that humans do to each other.
I stay with this feeling for a long time, then it's time for the Inipi, the sweatlodge. I feel powerful and energetic I can easily handle the heat and allow my body to release the last toxins through my sweat.

I ask my parents to come to pick me up! I want them to meet these people and the land, this is such a beautiful place.

I want to express my gratefulness to the Colibry People, Fee, Joy and all the people I met during this week! I love you all and can't wait to meet again.
Just for now it'll probably take a while as I'm writing this blog about 10km high in the air on my way to Bangkok with my amazing girlfriend. Next adventures are coming.

If you came all the way here with reading I want to thank you for your effort! It's difficult to explain what I went through, especially when you have no background with plant medicines.
Love you all, big hug