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Reisverslag The fears of a man
8 juni 2017
The fears of a man
From a conversation I realised how all men are suffering from the same sources and how all women are suffering from the same sources. Well I'm not a woman in this life so I'll speak from my experiences as a man.
Deep within me there is this fear of not being accepted and not being good enough. Sharing this story is making my stomach turn around. I've shared it before.. but only to a few specific people, who I chose because I trusted myself with them completely. Now I'm at a different point of my life, a different point of my journey, realising that it's worth sharing.
Being open, vulnerable and sensitive is for a lot of men seen as a weakness. No parent can change this belief as all children are going to school, watching movies and play outside with other kids. A guy needs to be strong, needs to be good at sports, doesn't show emotions, creates safety, is good in bed and a lot more of that crap..
I was never aware of the fact that I'm insecure, scared to fail, and scared of the opinion of others when I was younger. By thinking that's just life and my life is always "okay", or I can't have everything in life.
I'll specify my story on my sexuality, which was a big struggle for years.
I'm 14 years old, looking at myself in the mirror and seeing that I still have no hair on my balls, I feel like a little child while all my friends are talking about girls. I'm too insecure, scared to fail, to be laughed at. I hope my time will come. A miracle will happen and I dream far away in my thoughts, about having a relationship having sex and being understood. In my mind I can escape reality. A couple of years later I found another way to escape reality, that escape was called weed. Not realising that I was suppressing so many of my fears by using this on a daily basis. It felt new exciting something which was not allowed and it seemed pretty harmless at that time, because "we won't get addicted.. we can handle it easily"
Deep within me I still had the fear of my primary school girlfriend. When she broke up with me I created a belief that a girl would never truly love me. This was to protect me from pain, but it became a big brake on daring to go for love. Finally I found my way to get close to a girl, too scared to speak to them while going out, too scared to say how I really felt about someone. I became friends with a girl, we became close, really close but obviously we were friends and nothing more. Then something happened and we ended up in bed, for me one of the first times that I had sex!! I was scared, proud, happy and a lot of other mixed feelings at the same time. Then after a couple of days I found out that she told a girl that I was bad in bed.. I was completely devastated, I put in so much effort and this was the result... I felt so small. Not thinking about the fact that it was one of my first times and realising that it is perfectly normal to become better with practice like with everything in life. Luckily I had my joint and not too many people knew about it. I thought it was just not for me, maybe in the future. Years past by and everytime I became close to a girl I ran away. What is this within me. Smoking made me paranoid and I started doubting my sexual preference, am I gay? Even though my body said no my mind wasn't sure. And what if I was gay, what would be so bad about that? My parents wouldn't mind. The only thing I could think of were my friends, who were obviously homophobic, just like racist and everything else that they didn't really understand. Why am I in this group of friends? Why did I surround myself by people who are so narrow minded? They talk bad about women as if they are things, they fight, use so many drugs. Are constantly trying to be more Alpha then the others. They actually talk bad about everything and everybody, so they don't have to look at themselves. This group is a typical group of how society conditions guys. You need to be strong, you need to show who is the boss, swearing, hating, talking bad about... everything. Of course half of the group is also looking for their identity and isn't like this at all. These are the guys who all got out of this situation and are still good friends.
I really wanted to belong to a group, I wanted so badly to feel like I belong in that group. So I tried my best to hide the real me, which was a sensitive, loving and caring person. Who only wanted to be loved and cared about, but instead I did the opposite. (Which is not completely true because I was always there for people.)
Finally there was a breakthrough!! I went to art academy, a place where itfelt like coming home. Conversations were good, open, honest and deep. Where a lot of people started smoking weed at the academy, I slowly smoked less and less. My interest in women rose again, even though I still had no clue how I needed to do these things, at least I was surrounded by a lot of women. And these women were different from what I've seen before. I never understood how girls could stay with guys who where treating them like shit. It was the only thing I saw happening over and over again and they just kept on coming back and even sayin sorry for being mistreated. Now I surrounded myself by girls who where open honest and who liked a guy who was sensitive and caring. I felt so much better. I started to become more confident, which was a slow process. Looking in the mirror I still saw that little insecure boy. In all areas of my life I felt more confident, but this stayed the biggest fear of all.
And one more time I got myself in the friend zone. Sitting on a rock next to beach in South Africa I cried my eyes out, I realised that the girl with who I was so certain to become happy with in a relationship wasn't in love with me. I just couldn't understand how this was possible as we fit perfectly together. This was the start of a period of big change in my life. I started to become more close with other girls and as I did so my confidence started to rise. I still didn't dare to speak with a girl while going out, but at least I didn't run away from it anymore. I am proud and humble for the steps I made in this period, also sharing with girls about my fears made me feel better. The stupid thing is that even though they said they enjoyed me, deep within I carried the fear from not being good enough.. and I didn't really believe them. I kept justifying my fears over and over again. It took me a long time to share with a male friend about my fears in sexuality. On a surf holiday in Spain I shared for the first time, I was humble about the reactions that I got. Not only listening but also understanding and points of recognition. After I shared my story more easily with some other male friends as well and it happened that everybody was struggling in their own way with love and sexuality. Why isn't it easier to talk about these subjects, I think it's really important to be open about any fears. And with this blog I want to challenge you to see what your fears are in this area and with who you want to share it with. I would be happy to have a private conversation about it, if you wish to. As you came this far reading it, I guess there are some points of recognition.
During this travel through South East Asia I learned so much about my sexuality, I accepted myself, my masculinity, my femininity, my needs and my likes. I surrendered and completely experienced the moment. I became one with someone else by only looking in her eyes. I forgot about the external world because it simply didn't exist in these moments.
I am greatful for the whole path that I've gone through. Never thinking that I would ever feel so deeply connected. It definitely is the connection with myself which has improved so much and through that I'm able to open myself up more and more. Step by step. And now by sharing this story about my deepest fear, which one month ago I told someone I wouldn't share something like this. I realise that it's not who I am, it's what I did. And by opening up myself I hope all of you will see this as an inspiration to open up yourself to your fears and embrace them!! Dance with them, love them!! They make you to the beautiful person that you are
I truly hope that their will be a day that masculinity and femininity are seen as the same. That men and women have the same needs and wants in life. That it's okay for a man to cry and talk about his emotions and that it is okay for a girl to dress the way she wants and not get yelled at. That a man doesn't have to act like he is strong and that a woman doesn't needs to prove that she is capable.
We are male and female within our bodies, their is no difference between any of us.
I wish you lots of love and intimacy
8 juni 2017 16:59 | Door: Marijon
Wow Sven wat een Verhaal, knap dat je je zo kwetsbaar op durft te stellen ik denk dat iedereen zich hierin herkent maar dat we het inderdaad nooit uitspreken naar elkaar toe
8 juni 2017 20:27 | Door: Jos
8 juni 2017 21:12 | Door: Stef en Karin
Wow Sven wat bijzonder dat je je zo opensteld voor ons allemaal en ons allen aan het denken zet. Natuurlijk hebben we allemaal angsten en onzekerheden waar we tegen aanlopen en zijn gelopen. Iedereen ondervind ups en downs op zijn pad en vaak is dat moeilijk zelf te begrijpen, laat staan dat je het met anderen kunt en wilt delen. Maar je hebt zeker gelijk het maakt niet uit of je man of vrouw bent en het met andere delen lucht zeker op! Het allerbelangrijkste is dat je in jezelf gelooft en goed bent zoals je bent.
Lieve groetjes van je pap en mams xxx
8 juni 2017 22:27 | Door: Inge
WoW Sven, what a journey.
It reminds me of something I learned from The Maya's
When we practise the moraal code of In Lak'ech Ala K'in, which means I am another yourself, we are producing and sending positive and vital energy that can literally transform our troubled world into Paradise. This Mayan greeting is an honering for each other.
This is what you just did by sharing your story and I realize, yes I am another you and you are another me.
Yes Sven we are all the same and thank you for sharing and your positive energy
9 juni 2017 08:56 | Door: Kelly
9 juni 2017 09:28 | Door: Tessa
9 juni 2017 12:02 | Door: Ivy
9 juni 2017 13:51 | Door: Anika
Wauw, ik ben zó trots op jou!!! ❤️ Mooi mens
9 juni 2017 20:11 | Door: Sindy
Inspiring, caring, loving and you are a powerful person.
Open up is scary and awesome at the same time, you let the world to see how beautiful you are and you let awesome thing into your life!
It is a sad story that we live in this "stereotype" world, people didn't realize that gentleness, kindness and love are the sign of strength.
I appreciated your sharing and daring. Thank you Sven ... You are amazing! =)
10 juni 2017 06:34 | Door: annet
kippenvel. top. je groeit en groeit, stap voor stap. houden van jezelf jezelf accepteren zoals je bent. zelf je allerbeste vriend worden. dat is het mooiste geschenk dat je jezelf kan geven. en je bent aardig op weg om dat te worden, ga door. ik ben ben blij voor jou.
11 juni 2017 22:03 | Door: klep
13 juni 2017 10:27 | Door: Brigetta
Beautiful <3 Thank you for sharing. Your courage is evident; your strength and growth is so wonderful to witness through your infinite loving and positive energy.
The trials we go through as adolescences stick with us for the rest of our lives, and I think it is so important to give those experiences a place to learn from in your present moment. The lessons you've learned circle around-- and you capture it here for all of us to witness and relate to.
I have many of these questions as well... Why is sexuality and love such a touchy and often inappropriate topic? Is a lot of it cultural? Our social conditioning? I've always wondered if sexual liberation means complete freedom in life...