Surrendering to Vulnerability

I’ve got no idea how I’m going to write this, but I want to share a very deep experience.
Today we’re going to do a Vipassana retreat in Myanmar, another 10 days in silence. I’m looking forward to what I/we will experience this time.
Yesterday we were tired and decided to go to bed a 19.30h. I felt my throat a bit already during the day, and expected that my body was preparing for the deep Vipassana practise.
I woke up at 22.30h, my ear completely bugged, huge pressure and I couldn’t sleep anymore. An ear infection.. for real, so that’s what I need to deal with during the retreat, without medicines. I don’t want to take medicines only when really necessary, but how to know if this is such a case? First I told Lotte I didn’t want to take any painkillers, but as the pain kept increasing I asked her is she could find them. We happen to have forgotten the first aid kit in Chiang Mai, she went downstairs but the guesthouse didn’t have any either. So I put the intention to fully recover myself with meditation and reiki. The reiki moved so much inside of my ears, it slightly soothes the pain. The meditation brought me to a deep focus in these areas, and I added the body scan which is the main practise of the retreat. Hours went past, I didn’t get bored, yet I did get hopeless many times. My Legs started tremoring as with Tre, they stopped and after a few minutes they started again, combining with the reiki and meditation. I noticed that everything I did was to open my ears, get rid of the pain and pressure. This is the opposite of Vipassana, just observing the reality as it is. No need to change a single thing. I said to myself and the highest form of divinity I surrender completely to which lessons I need to learn! And there I went, my whole body was shaking as never before, then I started crying, softly and later more loud. So much came out, it all started with the chakra’s at my ears, I saw how I never listened to the advise of my parents in puberty. When I calmed down, it started again, this time I saw my own self-criticism, which hit me even harder and I felt this was just the starter. I felt so much anger stored, not knowing how to release/express it. It’s kind of not to nice to scream in the middle of the night while staying at an guesthouse. Lotte helped me where she could, giving me a hug or a little touch. Then she started strongly moving her fingers along my back, which made it possible to silently start screaming while contracting all my muscles. I released a lot of anger by doing this.
I felt a state of pure bliss after this release, laying in the arms of Lotte I could only tell her how much I love here, from the debt of my Souls while feeling strong subtle sensations filling my whole being. For half an hour I stayed in this peacefull state, I put the intention, if this was it; that I may fall in a peaceful sleep and my ears my be unbugged when I wake up revitalised and full of bliss. Well, I didn’t fall asleep, I saw many image of masculine habits like, walking in nature/the high mountains and being along my male friends. I felt the deep distance that will be created while being on this path as this is my deepest experience so far, with a hand full of other deep stated of meditation. It’s as deep as the week long shamanic retreat I did in July. So I can’t imagine what would happen with my state of being if I walk this path for another year, or even years to a lifetime.
And again my body started shaking, this time slower but stronger, bringing stuff up from so, so deep. I have no clue what came up but for my idea it took at least twenty minutes before I came back to my reality. My consciousness was still in the room, but my body was moving through a different source or maybe a higher state of myself, anyway that’s not important, I could fully surrender as I didn’t surrender to anything before even my rebirth experience was very controlled compared to this. And another round came, this time I became Shiva, the devine masculine, feeling abundantly powerfull, conscious and centred in my physical being. Moving powerfully, sitting om my knees like a as a chimpanzee, again my body moved by itself powerfully back and forward, sometimes wildly then more controlled.

There was a pause, just sitting there in the stillness, the centre point of everything.

And now Shakti took over my body, the divine feminine, I gently I touched my body in a sensual way feeling the femininity within. I’ve been dancing here nude on my knees on the bed, while Lotte has been watching, only that part made me feel the most humble, the most vulnerable and the most powerful ow wait.. And I forgot the most sexy I ever felt.
From Shakti back to the masculine making animal like sex movements on the bed releasing many fears and energizing the (lower two) chakra’s. My whole body is tremoring especially the part of my hips and it’s been going on for multiple hours by now, I start thinking this might be a Kundalini awaking, but at the same time I don’t feel any powerful rushing energy along the spine. Actually it couldn’t bother me less what’s it called, is such a profound experience that even now while typing two hours later I keep on crying the whole time. When Lotte asked my where I was praying to / being grateful to at the end of the experience, I just said without thinking; To God.. As I realised what I said I cried even more loud, it was so obvious that this experience was way, way, way beyond me it could only be GOD / The Devine / Unity / The Universe or any name you want to give to the highest devine.

I was allowed to touch this state, just for a moment, I was meditation for 9 hours straight, without any break, my body took many shapes, from sitting to laying, hitting the matrass, dancing in the sky, penetrating the universe and the world as I never did before.
This is how I want to penetrate the world and Lotte, in it’s fullest, most open, vulnerable and honest way.(Book; the way of the superior man, by; David Deida)
We’ll be in Silence until the 30th of November, I’ve got no clue what the retreat will bring me. The only intention I put out there a few days ago ; that my being may be open for the retreat, I assume that intention came more then true. Who knows what the retreat will brings, I’m already happy with the fact that I’m going there not busy with the outcomes this time.

Namasté

And if you’re wandering if my infected ear is gone.. Nope, still there. ☹